Things are quieter around the house; but I still have this underlying fear that something bad is on the eminent horizon. I haven't posted much because even though I'm able to relieve some of the anxiety and fear that seems to be welling up inside me, I sometimes feel that I'm putting out too much of a negative vibe...but, tonight I had to blog. I can't sleep and I not only worry for my daughter but wonder how much stress can I take before my own health and sanity begin to decline.
I am still trying to talk her into seeking counseling and medical attention. I am more sure than ever that she is extremely tormented, that there is a mental problem and that it is only going to get worse with time. My gut feeling is that if she doesn't get help this is only going to end with a jail sentence or death. Although I don't feel threatened or fear for my own safety, I do believe that she could snap and is very capable of hurting someone else. Especially is she feels that person has wronged her. If you are out there reading this, please send your thoughts and prayers my way. This granny needs strength and wisdom and maybe even a miracle. I desperately want my daughter back!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Validation
I think every human being looks for some sort of validation in their life. As children we look for it from our parents and teachers; as adults we hope that our work and our spouses and even our children validate who we are. Persons with lower self esteem may need this validation more than others and spend much of their life searching for it.
I am one of those people with low self esteem. I remember the first time that I became aware that I needed some sort of validation, looking for confirmation that I was a good decent person. That was almost thirty years ago while I was married to my first husband. We were married when I was 16. The marriage was abusive verbally, mentally and physically. I stayed with him from 1975 to 1983 and it totally effected my self confidence levels.
During those 8 1/2 years I was cussed, I was told that if I had half a brain I'd be dangerous. So by the time the 80's rolled around I needed something in my life to prove I was OK. I found myself looking at my friends, who they were, how they parented, the jobs they had! I told myself, if I had friends that were good honest people, then that must mean that I was a good person.
That was over 25 years ago and now as I mature I find myself reflecting over life and once again looking to be validated. From my previous rants, you can imagine how I look back at my life and try to figure out what I did wrong, what I should have done that would have changed who my chidlren are and the paths that they chose. I don't have answers and find myself again looking for validation.
These days that validation is more abundant than ever. All I have to do is look around me. It is there with my second husband, who I have been married to for 26 years. It is there in my education, graduating cum laude in 2005 with an accounting degree at the age of 47. It is there in my friends who love and except me as I am. And last night I got the best form of validation, my step daughter!
She was on FB last night playing a game. Her friends were sending her a message with a number in it, she in turn would post something about them on Facebook. I sent her mine, I chose #2, because I told her that I was he 2nd mom...and here is what she wrote about me:
"We don't always agree, but I have a lot of respect for you! You have been through more than a person should. Often I've felt so helpless because I don't know what to say or do to make things better. Your strength is a very powerful testimony in itself. I doubt I could endure all you've been through! And even though times were rough, you always find the good inside a person. One thing we do have in common is the lack of tough love. We let individuals take advantage and walk all over us, hoping one day they will wake up and realize how much we love them. your a great person and I'm so glad you are in my life!!! Love ya!!! Keep your head high!!"
Now that was an awesome confirmation!!!
I am one of those people with low self esteem. I remember the first time that I became aware that I needed some sort of validation, looking for confirmation that I was a good decent person. That was almost thirty years ago while I was married to my first husband. We were married when I was 16. The marriage was abusive verbally, mentally and physically. I stayed with him from 1975 to 1983 and it totally effected my self confidence levels.
During those 8 1/2 years I was cussed, I was told that if I had half a brain I'd be dangerous. So by the time the 80's rolled around I needed something in my life to prove I was OK. I found myself looking at my friends, who they were, how they parented, the jobs they had! I told myself, if I had friends that were good honest people, then that must mean that I was a good person.
That was over 25 years ago and now as I mature I find myself reflecting over life and once again looking to be validated. From my previous rants, you can imagine how I look back at my life and try to figure out what I did wrong, what I should have done that would have changed who my chidlren are and the paths that they chose. I don't have answers and find myself again looking for validation.
These days that validation is more abundant than ever. All I have to do is look around me. It is there with my second husband, who I have been married to for 26 years. It is there in my education, graduating cum laude in 2005 with an accounting degree at the age of 47. It is there in my friends who love and except me as I am. And last night I got the best form of validation, my step daughter!
She was on FB last night playing a game. Her friends were sending her a message with a number in it, she in turn would post something about them on Facebook. I sent her mine, I chose #2, because I told her that I was he 2nd mom...and here is what she wrote about me:
"We don't always agree, but I have a lot of respect for you! You have been through more than a person should. Often I've felt so helpless because I don't know what to say or do to make things better. Your strength is a very powerful testimony in itself. I doubt I could endure all you've been through! And even though times were rough, you always find the good inside a person. One thing we do have in common is the lack of tough love. We let individuals take advantage and walk all over us, hoping one day they will wake up and realize how much we love them. your a great person and I'm so glad you are in my life!!! Love ya!!! Keep your head high!!"
Now that was an awesome confirmation!!!
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