Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
When Will I Learn
Several months ago...I'm not sure exactly when, I through my daughter out of my home. I had all I could take, the drugs, the neglecting her kids, and even being downright abusive to them. But when she left, they went with her. So, for months her oldest daughter and her son have been staying with the daughter's friend...you know, my thoughts are not very clear at the moment, I'm somewhat tired, and a whole lot aggravated...so I'll end this rant for now and finish it when my thoughts aren't all jumbled up...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sleepless Nights
Things are quieter around the house; but I still have this underlying fear that something bad is on the eminent horizon. I haven't posted much because even though I'm able to relieve some of the anxiety and fear that seems to be welling up inside me, I sometimes feel that I'm putting out too much of a negative vibe...but, tonight I had to blog. I can't sleep and I not only worry for my daughter but wonder how much stress can I take before my own health and sanity begin to decline.
I am still trying to talk her into seeking counseling and medical attention. I am more sure than ever that she is extremely tormented, that there is a mental problem and that it is only going to get worse with time. My gut feeling is that if she doesn't get help this is only going to end with a jail sentence or death. Although I don't feel threatened or fear for my own safety, I do believe that she could snap and is very capable of hurting someone else. Especially is she feels that person has wronged her. If you are out there reading this, please send your thoughts and prayers my way. This granny needs strength and wisdom and maybe even a miracle. I desperately want my daughter back!
I am still trying to talk her into seeking counseling and medical attention. I am more sure than ever that she is extremely tormented, that there is a mental problem and that it is only going to get worse with time. My gut feeling is that if she doesn't get help this is only going to end with a jail sentence or death. Although I don't feel threatened or fear for my own safety, I do believe that she could snap and is very capable of hurting someone else. Especially is she feels that person has wronged her. If you are out there reading this, please send your thoughts and prayers my way. This granny needs strength and wisdom and maybe even a miracle. I desperately want my daughter back!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Validation
I think every human being looks for some sort of validation in their life. As children we look for it from our parents and teachers; as adults we hope that our work and our spouses and even our children validate who we are. Persons with lower self esteem may need this validation more than others and spend much of their life searching for it.
I am one of those people with low self esteem. I remember the first time that I became aware that I needed some sort of validation, looking for confirmation that I was a good decent person. That was almost thirty years ago while I was married to my first husband. We were married when I was 16. The marriage was abusive verbally, mentally and physically. I stayed with him from 1975 to 1983 and it totally effected my self confidence levels.
During those 8 1/2 years I was cussed, I was told that if I had half a brain I'd be dangerous. So by the time the 80's rolled around I needed something in my life to prove I was OK. I found myself looking at my friends, who they were, how they parented, the jobs they had! I told myself, if I had friends that were good honest people, then that must mean that I was a good person.
That was over 25 years ago and now as I mature I find myself reflecting over life and once again looking to be validated. From my previous rants, you can imagine how I look back at my life and try to figure out what I did wrong, what I should have done that would have changed who my chidlren are and the paths that they chose. I don't have answers and find myself again looking for validation.
These days that validation is more abundant than ever. All I have to do is look around me. It is there with my second husband, who I have been married to for 26 years. It is there in my education, graduating cum laude in 2005 with an accounting degree at the age of 47. It is there in my friends who love and except me as I am. And last night I got the best form of validation, my step daughter!
She was on FB last night playing a game. Her friends were sending her a message with a number in it, she in turn would post something about them on Facebook. I sent her mine, I chose #2, because I told her that I was he 2nd mom...and here is what she wrote about me:
"We don't always agree, but I have a lot of respect for you! You have been through more than a person should. Often I've felt so helpless because I don't know what to say or do to make things better. Your strength is a very powerful testimony in itself. I doubt I could endure all you've been through! And even though times were rough, you always find the good inside a person. One thing we do have in common is the lack of tough love. We let individuals take advantage and walk all over us, hoping one day they will wake up and realize how much we love them. your a great person and I'm so glad you are in my life!!! Love ya!!! Keep your head high!!"
Now that was an awesome confirmation!!!
I am one of those people with low self esteem. I remember the first time that I became aware that I needed some sort of validation, looking for confirmation that I was a good decent person. That was almost thirty years ago while I was married to my first husband. We were married when I was 16. The marriage was abusive verbally, mentally and physically. I stayed with him from 1975 to 1983 and it totally effected my self confidence levels.
During those 8 1/2 years I was cussed, I was told that if I had half a brain I'd be dangerous. So by the time the 80's rolled around I needed something in my life to prove I was OK. I found myself looking at my friends, who they were, how they parented, the jobs they had! I told myself, if I had friends that were good honest people, then that must mean that I was a good person.
That was over 25 years ago and now as I mature I find myself reflecting over life and once again looking to be validated. From my previous rants, you can imagine how I look back at my life and try to figure out what I did wrong, what I should have done that would have changed who my chidlren are and the paths that they chose. I don't have answers and find myself again looking for validation.
These days that validation is more abundant than ever. All I have to do is look around me. It is there with my second husband, who I have been married to for 26 years. It is there in my education, graduating cum laude in 2005 with an accounting degree at the age of 47. It is there in my friends who love and except me as I am. And last night I got the best form of validation, my step daughter!
She was on FB last night playing a game. Her friends were sending her a message with a number in it, she in turn would post something about them on Facebook. I sent her mine, I chose #2, because I told her that I was he 2nd mom...and here is what she wrote about me:
"We don't always agree, but I have a lot of respect for you! You have been through more than a person should. Often I've felt so helpless because I don't know what to say or do to make things better. Your strength is a very powerful testimony in itself. I doubt I could endure all you've been through! And even though times were rough, you always find the good inside a person. One thing we do have in common is the lack of tough love. We let individuals take advantage and walk all over us, hoping one day they will wake up and realize how much we love them. your a great person and I'm so glad you are in my life!!! Love ya!!! Keep your head high!!"
Now that was an awesome confirmation!!!
Friday, November 26, 2010
And Then Came The Storm!!
It was peaceful for a few days and I am very thankful for it, but as always it was only the calm before the storm. As I sit here and pour my thoughts onto the computer screen (in the old days it would have been onto paper) it occurs to me that I must sound like a horrible mother. I write about my children and sometimes I realize that there is a lot of anger in my remarks, but there is also much hurt and much despair.
Last night was another round of drama; but, before I go into last night I must give a little background on my daughter's relationship with each other and Friday's episode. The relationship between my daughters has always been strained! My oldest was three when her sister was born. I'm not sure if the resentment started then or if it was something that grew over the years. As they grew up, the oldest had trouble with school work, the youngest excelled (elementary school), the oldest was treated harsely by her father, the youngest seemed to be daddy's little girl, the youngest sang in public, the oldest couldn't carry a tune, and so it has gone on and on like this for years. As they became teenagers and young adults they have turned the drugs, alcohol and worthless men to relieve their demons. So Friday's meltdown was between my two daughters!
More background: I believe I've mentioned in previous post that my youngest daughter is living in our home with her three children and the boyfriend has also been staying with us. Let me explain how this came about and then I will go into the fight between my daughters. Once upon....just joking, it was only 5 years ago that my daughter was at the end of another bad relationship and she moved back in with us. At the time we lived in a 16 X 80 mobile home. So my husband and I decided to purchase a doublewide (manufactured home) and we would sell the older home to our daughter. She had a job and recieved child support from two of her children's fathers, our deal was if she went to college (unwed mother, she could get grants) she could live there for free, if whe wasn't in school we expected her to pay notes...also, if she moved a man into her home that man would have to pay rent. So in 5 years she went through 2 relationships and between the 2 we were paid for the mobile home. So she lives in a paid for home, only has utilities and lot rent. However, once she met her current boyfriend 3 years ago, life has been going downhill for her.
Before she met "him" she had one semester of school behind her (had a 4.0) and was in her second semester. She wasn't happy in her current relationship when she met up with "him". So the boyfriend was kicked out and she moved this one in. This guy doesn't work, he receives a little money from disability. So, during the time they are together, neither one will work for any time period at all. They live off her decreasing child support (only one of the father's is now paying) and his disbility. So a few months ago she feels that he had an affair, she eventually gets him to admit it, kicks him out and begins a month ordeal of staying high from "ice"...So in the long run she comes to a point where she can no longer pay her utilities and asked to move in with us until she can find a job and get on her feet. When her electric is turned off, I go to get her...and she looked horrible. I asked if she was on drugs and she admitted everything. At that point, I wanted to help her if I could. I was terrified that she wouldn't be able to kick this habit, but I still opened my door for her and the grandkids.
So she moves in and there were a few turmultuous days with her still on drugs, but eventually she stopped doing those after a few weeks. But during this time, she is constantly letting the boyfriend, who she now is starting to believe slept with 3 or 4 people...come back around and they are constantly fighting. When she thinks he slept with someone, she badgers him until he eventually admits to it.. Truthfully I don't think the boy could get that many women to sleep with him, even if they were sluts! I mean he isn't anything special...So she has now accused him of sleeping with her sister and he has admitted to it, not once but off and on for the past 3 years!! So, because he admits to all this, she can forgive him (except that she is forever flying into rages). Oh, I forgot to mention that he did not move in with her at the onset, but a few weeks ago he fell off of a roof and broke his foot. At the time he was in an argument with his brother who he had been staying with so my hubby felt sorry for him and let him start staying in our home with her.
So with background somewhat complete, let me get onto last Friday. My youngest believes in getting even, so it seems that she is making the boyfriend tell people what he did (like the husbands and boyfriends of the people she is accusing him of sleeping with). This would include her sister's boyfriend. It appears that she was texting my oldest daughters boyfriend on Thursday night, the oldest daughter texted her the next morning which was on Friday asking why, which started and all out war between the two. So, I have my oldest daughter calling me telig me that m youngest daughter needs help, she is bawling, scared to stay at home because she is afraid her sister will show up there. Now in the midst of all this I have been calling gotten the phone number of a mental health clincic and I send the info by text to my youngest daughter who comes unglued...Long story short, I call my hubby and I send him to deal with my daughter at home. I refuse to deal with her.
So that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were somewhat peaceful. Then on Monday, my oldest daughter who happens to have a few boxes of her belongings at my house wants them right then!! I put them in my car and tell her that I will get them to her. So Tuesday evening rolls around, I'm tired, I don't want to go anywhere after work. So that afternoon the phone starts ringing and she wants to come get her stuff now. She needs it now...needless to say she has been drinking, I try telling her I will bring it to her on Thursday while she is at work or she can come then because her sister won't be at the house, and ofcourse she keeps trying to manipulate me into her coming over or me bringing it to her. I'm getting frustrating and, you guess it, I hand the phone off to my hubby! So he is dealing with her when the other one comes through the kitchen overhears the conversations. She ask who it is and I tell her and she proceeds to start loudly voicing her opinions of her sister. Hubby is fed up, he tells off the one on the phone and then precedes to go deal with the angry one.
So, we have told her that crippled boyfriend must be gone by Tuesday...let's see what happens!
Last night was another round of drama; but, before I go into last night I must give a little background on my daughter's relationship with each other and Friday's episode. The relationship between my daughters has always been strained! My oldest was three when her sister was born. I'm not sure if the resentment started then or if it was something that grew over the years. As they grew up, the oldest had trouble with school work, the youngest excelled (elementary school), the oldest was treated harsely by her father, the youngest seemed to be daddy's little girl, the youngest sang in public, the oldest couldn't carry a tune, and so it has gone on and on like this for years. As they became teenagers and young adults they have turned the drugs, alcohol and worthless men to relieve their demons. So Friday's meltdown was between my two daughters!
More background: I believe I've mentioned in previous post that my youngest daughter is living in our home with her three children and the boyfriend has also been staying with us. Let me explain how this came about and then I will go into the fight between my daughters. Once upon....just joking, it was only 5 years ago that my daughter was at the end of another bad relationship and she moved back in with us. At the time we lived in a 16 X 80 mobile home. So my husband and I decided to purchase a doublewide (manufactured home) and we would sell the older home to our daughter. She had a job and recieved child support from two of her children's fathers, our deal was if she went to college (unwed mother, she could get grants) she could live there for free, if whe wasn't in school we expected her to pay notes...also, if she moved a man into her home that man would have to pay rent. So in 5 years she went through 2 relationships and between the 2 we were paid for the mobile home. So she lives in a paid for home, only has utilities and lot rent. However, once she met her current boyfriend 3 years ago, life has been going downhill for her.
Before she met "him" she had one semester of school behind her (had a 4.0) and was in her second semester. She wasn't happy in her current relationship when she met up with "him". So the boyfriend was kicked out and she moved this one in. This guy doesn't work, he receives a little money from disability. So, during the time they are together, neither one will work for any time period at all. They live off her decreasing child support (only one of the father's is now paying) and his disbility. So a few months ago she feels that he had an affair, she eventually gets him to admit it, kicks him out and begins a month ordeal of staying high from "ice"...So in the long run she comes to a point where she can no longer pay her utilities and asked to move in with us until she can find a job and get on her feet. When her electric is turned off, I go to get her...and she looked horrible. I asked if she was on drugs and she admitted everything. At that point, I wanted to help her if I could. I was terrified that she wouldn't be able to kick this habit, but I still opened my door for her and the grandkids.
So she moves in and there were a few turmultuous days with her still on drugs, but eventually she stopped doing those after a few weeks. But during this time, she is constantly letting the boyfriend, who she now is starting to believe slept with 3 or 4 people...come back around and they are constantly fighting. When she thinks he slept with someone, she badgers him until he eventually admits to it.. Truthfully I don't think the boy could get that many women to sleep with him, even if they were sluts! I mean he isn't anything special...So she has now accused him of sleeping with her sister and he has admitted to it, not once but off and on for the past 3 years!! So, because he admits to all this, she can forgive him (except that she is forever flying into rages). Oh, I forgot to mention that he did not move in with her at the onset, but a few weeks ago he fell off of a roof and broke his foot. At the time he was in an argument with his brother who he had been staying with so my hubby felt sorry for him and let him start staying in our home with her.
So with background somewhat complete, let me get onto last Friday. My youngest believes in getting even, so it seems that she is making the boyfriend tell people what he did (like the husbands and boyfriends of the people she is accusing him of sleeping with). This would include her sister's boyfriend. It appears that she was texting my oldest daughters boyfriend on Thursday night, the oldest daughter texted her the next morning which was on Friday asking why, which started and all out war between the two. So, I have my oldest daughter calling me telig me that m youngest daughter needs help, she is bawling, scared to stay at home because she is afraid her sister will show up there. Now in the midst of all this I have been calling gotten the phone number of a mental health clincic and I send the info by text to my youngest daughter who comes unglued...Long story short, I call my hubby and I send him to deal with my daughter at home. I refuse to deal with her.
So that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were somewhat peaceful. Then on Monday, my oldest daughter who happens to have a few boxes of her belongings at my house wants them right then!! I put them in my car and tell her that I will get them to her. So Tuesday evening rolls around, I'm tired, I don't want to go anywhere after work. So that afternoon the phone starts ringing and she wants to come get her stuff now. She needs it now...needless to say she has been drinking, I try telling her I will bring it to her on Thursday while she is at work or she can come then because her sister won't be at the house, and ofcourse she keeps trying to manipulate me into her coming over or me bringing it to her. I'm getting frustrating and, you guess it, I hand the phone off to my hubby! So he is dealing with her when the other one comes through the kitchen overhears the conversations. She ask who it is and I tell her and she proceeds to start loudly voicing her opinions of her sister. Hubby is fed up, he tells off the one on the phone and then precedes to go deal with the angry one.
So, we have told her that crippled boyfriend must be gone by Tuesday...let's see what happens!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Two and a half days of calm
The weekend has been a calm one. No emothional outburst since Friday morning! My poor hubby, everytime my daughter has a meltdown I call him to deal with her. He has a way of staying calm and addressing the issues at hand. Me, I get mad and aggravated, I feel helpless and I start behaving like her!!! I thank my lucky stars for him every day!
My daughter has been to church three Sundays in a row. I am not one who likes organized religion; however, if organized religion helps my daughter mellow out and be a nicer, sweeter, human being...I'm all for it! Today's sermon seemed to be a good one for her, it dealt with being angry at people and how you should treat people..I told her I will give her my Dad's bible if she continues to go to church! Who knows, maybe she will start singing again...I'd even go to church to see that!
My daughter has been to church three Sundays in a row. I am not one who likes organized religion; however, if organized religion helps my daughter mellow out and be a nicer, sweeter, human being...I'm all for it! Today's sermon seemed to be a good one for her, it dealt with being angry at people and how you should treat people..I told her I will give her my Dad's bible if she continues to go to church! Who knows, maybe she will start singing again...I'd even go to church to see that!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)